Where is Kevin Bacon when you need him?

Smiling sweetly does not make you innocent.

In case you heard bewildered sobbing in the distance on Saturday morning, that was me. Wearing my pajamas, clinging to a beach towel I found on the patio, standing in the mud on my front porch after Hurricane Luka locked me out. The culprit wasn't even home when this dastardly deed occurred...he had gleefully run off to the YMCA with daddy a mere 30 minutes earlier.

Note to self:
Wear slippers when you take letters out to the mail slot in your pajamas. And a big warm robe.

Better note to self:
Make your husband take those letters out to mailbox before he goes to the YMCA.

Because of my super mommy vigilance in making sure all the doors and windows are always locked in my house, I was of course, unable to get back in.

Even the dog door was, at this point, unwelcoming.

I'm not sure I could have fit thru it anyway.

The dog was happy to see me outside though and wagged her tail anticipating...what...that I'd whip some bacon out of my thin blue drawstring pajama pants?

Note to self: 
Bury a key in the garden. Give another one to next door neighbor. Get rid of fancy European door contraption with shiny, oh-so-tempting push-button-locking-mechanism that attracts two-year-olds. Send two-year-old to Swiss boarding school.

Did I tell you that this was my birthday weekend? 

Note to self:
Tell husband that I want to spend my next birthday weekend alone. In a fancy hotel with a concierge that will bring you another key to your room if you get locked out in your pajamas.

After whacking my head on a wysteria branch the size of John Cena's thigh, and tip toeing through 2 inch deep decomposing cedar needles in my brand new birthday pink fuzzie socks, I was in full-tilt wysteria hysteria and made my way to my friend Rhonda's house next door.

I'm just sure that my husband given our next door neighbors a key to our house at some point.

I'm counting on it in fact.

The thought of the coffee that is probably beeping that it is done in the kitchen, and the Kevin Bacon action flick I'm right in the middle of keep me going.

Must. get. key.

Ding dong! Ding dong! 

Note to self: 
Ok, I'm the ding dong. 

No one is home. Little tears start rolling down my now frozen cheeks. That Scooby Doo beach towel I'm wearing around my sobbing shoulders is a sad substitute for a big warm robe. 

Note to self: 
Maybe keeping a big warm robe on the back porch might not be such a bad idea.

Ten minutes go by and by some miracle Rhonda and her husband pull in to their driveway, daughter in tow. I think the sight of me scares her.

"You're locked out of the house."

"Uh huh (sob sob)"

"I get the feeling Luka had something to do with this."

"Uh huh (sob sob)"

Hurricane Luka's reputation in this neighborhood is legendary.

As Rhonda's husband desperately searches for MY house key in HIS kitchen drawer, Rhonda makes me some coffee. 

Note to self: 
I love Rhonda. So very much.

Of course, since this is my birthday weekend, he does not find a key in the drawer. Of course, since my husband is on the handball court in the middle of a game without his cell phone, I am SOL to call him for a quick rescue.

I realize, though, that even if I could call him from Rhonda's phone, I don't know his phone number. I always dial his name. 

Note to self: 
Memorize your husband's phone number. Memorize your own phone number. Maybe Rhonda's too.

Better note to self: 
Take cell phone with you in the pocket of your big warm robe that you are wearing with your slippers when you take the mail outside to the mail slot in your pajamas. Maybe put the front door key in your pocket when you do that too.

"My babysitter!" I scream.

"My babysitter has a key to my house!"

We find the neighborhood phone book and look up her parents. It is, you realize, 10:30am on a Saturday morning. The chances of a 16-yr-old and her parents actually being home are slim to none. I use Rhonda's new iPhone to call her.

Note to self: 
Hey, this iPhone is cool.

The clouds part. And the angels sing. She is home. And her dad is too. (Because she does not drive.) The birthday fairy has finally smiled on me. They are over in two minutes. I think the desperation in my voice makes them drive faster. Even over the speed bumps.

Note to self:
Give babysitter a big fat bonus.

Once inside, I pour another cup of coffee, this time from MY very own coffee maker. I put on clean fuzzie blue socks. I try to pick back up into my Kevin Bacon movie, but now he is shooting up all the bad guys with a really big gun and I have no idea how he got from insurance agent to gun-toting, shaved-head lunatic.

Maybe his toddler locked HIM out of the house?

I add some cream to my coffee as he blows a hole the size of a bowling ball through a locked door to get in and get the last bad guy. 

Note to self: 
Memorize Kevin Bacon's phone number.

See Kevin Bacon's new series, The Following, on FOX starting Monday January 21st at 8pm CST.

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Steph at Problem Solvin' Mom said...

Oh no! Happy birthday, friend, sorry it didn't get off to the best start :(
If you could use a little laugh, I'll tell you about the time the wind blew my door shut and locked me out in the freezing cold (february) in just my nightshirt at midnight on Friday night minutes after getting home from a business trip...while hubs was out of town! It all started when the mean dog from next door came to visit our dog...

Susie said...

Happy Birthday.

Unknown said...

I am peeing.
That was SOOOOOO funny!!!!!!!!

Note to self: learn from others - give someone else a key to my house. JUST IN CASE.

happy birthday, little sister Linda

PS (another) Note to self: start saving more money and listen to your big sister!

Lawyer Mom said...

I thought I'd seen every Kevin Bacon movie. But apparently not. Insurance salesman to skinhead? Title, please!

Mommy's Wish List said...

Kevin Bacon movie you've probably never seen: Death Sentence from 2007, with Kelly Preston too. Here's the link on imdb:

Eileen said...

Love, love, LOVE THIS!! And you know I have to ad: Bwahahahahaaaaaa! Thank you SO much for sending this my way ~and happy, happy birthday! (All terrific people are born in May.)

Debra Rutt said...

This was a good chuckle for me....just this past weekend I got locked out of the garage (by my own doing) we got new doors that automatically lock. I pounded on the door and my 5 year old son just sat on the couch watching his cartoons. I remember I stored a key in the garage and when I let myself back in all my son said was "you were pretty loud out there, I could barely hear the tv, next time don't forget your key!"


Nat said...

Oh my- what a morning! I love reading your train of thought, though- a fun read! I'm visiting from Kludgy Mom's post today! :-)

The Loving Parent said...

Oh gosh - poor you!! (Please forgive me for giggling at your expense many times though whilst reading this.)

I love your 'notes to self'.

My 'note to self' after reading is: 'buy notebook'. :)

Hope the rest of the birthday went well. x

Wendy said...

This was so funny but maybe because I can totally relate! I locked myself out one Sunday morning. I was babysitting my nephew at the time who was barely a toddler. Yes, toddler locked inside. And me locked outside. In pajamas. With no bra. Why I decided the trash needed taking out at that very moment. Horrible but thank goodness for the neighbor with the extra key. I'm sure I was a sight to be seen. Yikes!

Gigi said...

Big love for this.

Not you getting locked out, but you telling the story so perfectly.

We've all had days like this. Please tell me it's not just you and I.

Cannot wait for your guest post on my blog!!!!

chimomwriter said...

Just shared this post on Twitter. I love your storytelling. I've been locked out... I just wish I'd had a Rhonda!

Note to self: Get better neighbors.

Robin @ Farewell, Stranger said...

Oh, this is hilarious. Love it! Especially because i can just see this happening to me.

Kimberly said...

Hysterical! Love how you can take a moment of extreme distress and turn it into something that made me giggle all the way through!

mj said...

Oh, I've been there. Luckily I remembered a seldom-used window that I left unlocked, and I hauled my fat butt up through it. Glad everything worked out ok.

Jackie said...

Oh no! As funny as this is it sure isn't the best way to start out your birthday!

I can totally see something like this happening to me too because of my over 'helpful' toddler.

Anonymous said...

Love! Your sense of humor is just my kind! Thank you for the laugh this morning. I hope you got a big, juicy redo for your birthday (one that involved professional massages and pancakes. And a new door or boarding school.) Great post!

Unknown said...

Hilarious! Although, I suppose not so much for you at the time.

MommyLisa said...

Good one.

Arnebya said...

This is positively hilarious! The visual is just, well, hilarious. I said that already. Sorry. I'm still giggling. I'm glad you were able to get back inside and now? Now I've got to go read more on Hurrican Luca because HOW CAN I NOT?